Wassup, Homeboys and Homegirls?
This is Elvis, coming to you from space, where we are burning up the rubber to get back to our own pad in our own galaxy. We left in a hurry, so we were not able to say goodbye to everybody, and thank you. We could not fit all the presents you sent on board our ship, but I am sure the people at the Salvation Army will be very excited to see what we left in their box, especially the Elvis Presley dog costume. Little Getlo killed it in her Elvis Presley dog costume. She was flying, yo. But the cape kept falling over her eyes, so we decided it was not safe for her to wear. We are grateful for all of the wonderful presents you sent, even the ones with your company names on them. Soon people will be wearing these things all over Washington, D.C., so you will be sure to get plenty of advertising. I ate all the cookies.
Now I am giving a shout-out to my main man Hank and his cat Eco, since they will be Getlo’s new roomies. Eco let Hank come with us to Washington, D.C., so that he could help us deliver our message about nuclear disarmingment, and now Eco will have a new friend. I have heard that some cats like dogs, but I don’t know if Eco is this kind of cat. I hope so.
Speaking of nuclear disarmingment, I hope that you are all thinking hard about what we said because we are very enthusiastic about saving Earth, if we can. Of course, mostly saving Earth is up to you, not only because of the atomic weapons but because what you are doing to your climate is a total bummer. (I am not supposed to have an opinion about that, but I do.)
Let me tell you about some of my favorite things on Earth. Car washes I like, especially the part where the brushes go around and clean the windows. Also television. Sci-fi theater is my favorite because the movies are so funny. I like wristwatches, and Facebook, and drive-thrus, especially the part where you lean out the window and talk to the sign. I love my Hoya sweats, and playing basketball. I love the time of day when your planet’s rotation makes the sun disappear and also when it reappears—that is very beautiful. I am into IHOP, which has killer pancakes, but I had better not get started on my favorite Earth foods and leave that for another time. I love the NCAA basketball playoffs and the Lincoln Memorial. And dogs. I especially love dogs.
I will have to sign off now. Larry wants me to do some calculations because we are nearing the planet you call Saturn. This is a very beautiful planet because of its circles, which look kind of like the circles of light that angels wear on Earth. But Saturn has many moons, and we do not want to bump into any of them. You do not need to be jealous of Saturn’s moons, though, even though you only have one. When you only have one moon, that moon is very, very special. At least, that is what I think.